(a postcard to Jo, addressed from a motel in Spain)
Jo!
God, I wish you were here. I'm in Europe, darling! I'm touring all over, seeing the sights, drinking the drinks, fucking the men!
Whoops! Have I said too much? Oh piffle...it's just us girls, we share everything!
I met this man named Julio. How exotic, Jo! Julio! He's 22, and strong like a buck! I've never sweat so much in my life...Jo, if only you could know how amazing even an hour with Julio is...a change for the better I'd say. I feel so alive, Jo! Life is exciting again! I...I could never go back...to the way things were.
I couldn't...right? I couldn't...I don't...because he couldn't...
(portion scratched out)
I hope M.E.S.S. is doing well, and say hi to most of the gang for me! Make sure you, Liz, and my William stay alive, and tell him Mummy will return soon!
Love, kisses, and dry martinis,
Paula
Friday, October 27, 2006
Paul :: Present
I dropped a note in Jo's pocket down in the tunnel, as we were poking around the roman numeral pad. I'd had it written for a couple days...but just then had the courage to give it to her. Without her knowing. She'll find it. And then all will be well...
~~~
Dear Jo,
I know she's left me. I've come to terms with it. Honestly, I have. Her absence has merely shown me that she wants nothing to do with me anymore, and I know that now. It's time, Jo. Time...to move on.
I no longer consider myself married. It's over, Jo. It's over. She has made that apparently clear, and you are the one person I am telling. You...the most important thing to me right now. You...who took me in. You...who never fails to be strong, even when the world explodes around you. You're spirit glows, Jo.
She is no longer my wife. I am Paul. I am...by myself. But I am not alone. I don't want lonliness. You, Jo, are the solution to my misery. You are who my wife could never be, what my life always needed. I can see that now.
I feel...elightened. Perhaps this hell was what I needed.
It seems like it's all been...wrong. Like everything up to this point simply happened because it was handed to me. Like I never worked for anything. Like I let life live itself...and just drag me along.
She's dead to me, Jo. But you...you are life.
It's hard, Jo. Why does it have to be so hard?
I love you, Jo.
For what it's worth, an ex-innkeeper loves you.
Paul
~~~
Dear Jo,
I know she's left me. I've come to terms with it. Honestly, I have. Her absence has merely shown me that she wants nothing to do with me anymore, and I know that now. It's time, Jo. Time...to move on.
I no longer consider myself married. It's over, Jo. It's over. She has made that apparently clear, and you are the one person I am telling. You...the most important thing to me right now. You...who took me in. You...who never fails to be strong, even when the world explodes around you. You're spirit glows, Jo.
She is no longer my wife. I am Paul. I am...by myself. But I am not alone. I don't want lonliness. You, Jo, are the solution to my misery. You are who my wife could never be, what my life always needed. I can see that now.
I feel...elightened. Perhaps this hell was what I needed.
It seems like it's all been...wrong. Like everything up to this point simply happened because it was handed to me. Like I never worked for anything. Like I let life live itself...and just drag me along.
She's dead to me, Jo. But you...you are life.
It's hard, Jo. Why does it have to be so hard?
I love you, Jo.
For what it's worth, an ex-innkeeper loves you.
Paul
Friday, October 13, 2006
Thursday, October 12, 2006
Paula :: 6 years old
I told him to stop poking me. I told him to stop pulling my hair. I told him to stop taking my nice, shiney apples and running out the door to throw them into the street. That's what I told him. Boys are funny.
I never told him that I stare at him. I never told him that while he's sweeping the floor, in his white apron, with his sleeves rolled up like a grownup, that I watch him. And sometimes...sometimes I'll bring in a handful of dirt from the street, and drop it in the middle of the floor just so he keeps sweeping. And he does. Boys are funny.
"Hey, Paul. Do you think we could play house some day?"
Oh, I couldn't ask him that!!
"You can play Daddy, and I can play Mummy!"
Boys don't like playing house.
"And someday, Daddy and Mummy can have a little baby. I've always wanted a little baby of my own, haven't you, Daddy?"
Babies are cute. Boys are funny. I hope I have a boy...a funny boy.
"And when he's good, Daddy, we can give him shiney apples to eat! And when he's bad, Mummy will have to spank. Is that all right with you, Daddy?"
"...Daddy?"
...Paul?
Oh. That's right. I told him to stay away from me. To stop bothering me.
I didn't mean it, though! What kind of stupid boy actually goes away when you tell them to?!
...
...a nice one.
I never told him that I stare at him. I never told him that while he's sweeping the floor, in his white apron, with his sleeves rolled up like a grownup, that I watch him. And sometimes...sometimes I'll bring in a handful of dirt from the street, and drop it in the middle of the floor just so he keeps sweeping. And he does. Boys are funny.
"Hey, Paul. Do you think we could play house some day?"
Oh, I couldn't ask him that!!
"You can play Daddy, and I can play Mummy!"
Boys don't like playing house.
"And someday, Daddy and Mummy can have a little baby. I've always wanted a little baby of my own, haven't you, Daddy?"
Babies are cute. Boys are funny. I hope I have a boy...a funny boy.
"And when he's good, Daddy, we can give him shiney apples to eat! And when he's bad, Mummy will have to spank. Is that all right with you, Daddy?"
"...Daddy?"
...Paul?
Oh. That's right. I told him to stay away from me. To stop bothering me.
I didn't mean it, though! What kind of stupid boy actually goes away when you tell them to?!
...
...a nice one.
Paul :: Present
...is this how things are going to turn out? Is this what we've spent our entire lives living towards? I couldn't tell tou what happened. All of a sudden, things came crashing down around us, and we were filled with doubt and questions that, up until a moment ago, never entered our heads.
Why do I sit here, wondering if I'll come out of this alive? It's...it's that I've always been strong. It's that we've always smiled. It's that neither of us have ever questioned fate. It's that...it's that I've been sitting here with a bottle of gin, shattered glass, and a stained carpet for days. I don't even know if I can move anymore. I can only speak when someone speaks to me first. I...I have nothing now. And the sad thing is that I genuinely feel like I'm doing nothing to get it all back.
Why am I not moving? Why aren't my eyes wide, and my arms stretched out, looking for a light at the end of this hell? I don't...I don't even know who I am anymore...it's all...cloudy.
Jo, I...I...I want to stay with you. Please, Jo, please don't throw me away. I still have my sword. I still have my training. I don't have anything else...it's all in smouldering ruins...but I have everything that you've given me. Don't...please don't make me say goodbye.
Why do I sit here, wondering if I'll come out of this alive? It's...it's that I've always been strong. It's that we've always smiled. It's that neither of us have ever questioned fate. It's that...it's that I've been sitting here with a bottle of gin, shattered glass, and a stained carpet for days. I don't even know if I can move anymore. I can only speak when someone speaks to me first. I...I have nothing now. And the sad thing is that I genuinely feel like I'm doing nothing to get it all back.
Why am I not moving? Why aren't my eyes wide, and my arms stretched out, looking for a light at the end of this hell? I don't...I don't even know who I am anymore...it's all...cloudy.
Jo, I...I...I want to stay with you. Please, Jo, please don't throw me away. I still have my sword. I still have my training. I don't have anything else...it's all in smouldering ruins...but I have everything that you've given me. Don't...please don't make me say goodbye.
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